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If Humpty-Dumpty Could Talk

It was a smashing beginning to the morning, as an egg slipped from my fingers and died a yolky death on the kitchen floor. A vegetarian-fed, cage-free hen produced that egg, more’s the pity.

Poor Humpty-Dumpty.

Do your fingertips have any texture left to them? Mine are smooth as marble. I could commit a crime and the FBI wouldn’t be able to fingerprint me.

Speaking of eggs, I have a memory of swimming in a hotel pool when I was in high school and getting quite sunburned.

You might not see the connection.

I had heard egg whites soothed sunburn. Especially iodine-and-baby-oil-induced sunburns, which were all the rage back in my day. If you didn’t really tan, the iodine stained you a nice reddish-brown, and quickly, too.

My girlfriend and I were both pretty burned and I had the bright, teenage idea to order a dozen egg whites from room service. Entitled, much? Don’t hate me.

When they arrived from the hotel kitchen, we slathered each other, especially our shoulders and cleavage area. It was true! The egg whites were so soothing and cool! We had to sit quite still, not wanting to get eggy mess on the hotel bedspread or armchair. We laughed at the sight of each other, all slick and shiny. What a great idea! But we were getting tired of sitting around in our bathing suits.

As egg whites dry they become tight and a bit pinchy. At least the itching was gone. We tolerated that “puckered” sensation for an hour or so and then rinsed off with cool water, after our skin started feeling too taut. It felt good to be able to move again, and to get dressed.

An unfortunate consequence never occurred to us. The next day, our dried-up skin shed in long curls, like apple parings. It was not the look we were going for. My girlfriend said a quick good-bye to me, as we piled into cars with our friends. She draped a beach towel around her halter top blouse. Funny, we lost touch with each other after that.

This memory passed through my mind as I looked at the egg whites spreading on my kitchen floor. A bunch of paper towels cleaned up the mess. More wet paper towels removed the sticky residue. I laughed as I remembered when I covered myself with egg whites, on purpose.

How about you? Do you have a funny egg memory? Or a sunburn story?


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